


Engineering to Kirk

by L122YTorch (orphan_account)



Category: Star Trek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 10:29:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1645409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/L122YTorch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim gets an unexpected "gift" from an alien species upon a routine diplomatic visit. But the "gift" leaves him reeling and reevaluating some very important life decisions. He tries to keep this internal dismay to himself - but fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was an ache in Jim’s chest that persisted days after it should have subsided.

He was trying his best to maintain his usual demeanor on the bridge, but Kirk’s close friends knew something was wrong…they could feel it…sense it…

Ever since Jim returned with the small landing party from Orcas IV, something had been different.

Bones insisted on running a battery of tests, which Jim allowed, without protest (which was odd). But he was fine.

The trip was routine, a peace-keeping mission with a friendly species. They were treated well, given lavish accommodations and delicious food…the whole ship envied the landing party. 

It was nothing more than a short mission to maintain peace. What could have transpired that left the captain looking wistfully out the viewing screen, that kept his eyes on Spock for longer than necessary? 

Yet, when Spock talked with Jim, the captain was curt and cool - cold almost. He seemed detached at best and even a bit angry. 

It was this concerning behavior that led Spock to Dr. McCoy one day - a week after the Enterprise had finished its mission on Orcas IV. 

The doors swept open with a swoosh and closed behind the Vulcan who strode toward Bones.

The doctor looked up from the instrument in his hands. He was recalibrating it. Must be a slow day in sick bay.

"I am concerned for the captain’s well being," Spock said in a near whisper. 

"Yeah, I know the feeling," Bones responded. "But I don’t know what to tell you Spock. I’ve already asked him what’s wrong and he won’t tell me. I was going to come to you," he paused.  
"Look Spock, I know that you're not the touchy feely type, but maybe you could talk to Jim? See what's going on with him?

"I don’t want you to feel obligated, but it would be nice if you could maybe…see if you can get him to open up? See what’s going on? You know, as his friend."

Spock gave a slight nod. 

"How is he physically?"

"Perfectly fine," Bones said, shutting a tiny metal flap on the medical laser in his hands. He positioned it toward an energy absorbing plate and switched it on and off, it worked.

"Maybe a little fatigued? But hardly anything serious."

"Thank you doctor," Spock said, "I will speak with him tonight during our weekly chess game."  
—————  
Spock waited for Jim in the recreation room, but his friend never came, so he picked up his PADD.  
SPOCK: Captain, are you all right? You are not present for our weekly chess game.  
KIRK:  
SPOCK: Captain?  
KIRK: Sorry Spock, I’m too tired tonight. Maybe next week.  
——————  
With a near growl, Spock put away his PADD. He really didn't appreciate being lied to, he knew that the captain wasn’t tired. Well, maybe he was, but that wasn’t why he was avoiding their interaction.

Spock rose from his seat and made his way down the sterile white corridors. 

As an officer, he should leave his captain alone to rest - not questioning his excuse.

But as his friend, he desired answers; which is how he found himself standing outside of Jim Kirk’s quarters. 

The metal door slipped open and a haggard Jim stood on the other side.

Surprisingly, Jim let him in.

"What is it Spock? An emergency I hope?" 

"It is illogical to hope for an emergency," Spock said as he walked into the room.

Jim sighed. “That’s not what I meant…never mind. Why are you here?” 

"I am here because you have been acting odd lately captain," Spock said cooly, his head cocked slightly to the side. "Are you well?"

Jim’s tongue darted out and moistened his lower lip as his eyes examined his first officer. Then he bit his lip, before abandoning the soft flesh to reply. 

"I’m…" "Do not lie to me," Spock interrupted. 

Jim closed his mouth and re-strategized. The room suddenly felt much smaller. His bluff was called before he could even lay down a hand, and now Spock was backing him into a corner. 

"I won’t lie to you," he said finally, taking a few steps over to his bed, he sat down on it’s edge.

He hesitated and then started slowly. 

"I uh…when we were down on Orcas IV…I was offered a "gift," Jim said, making little quotes with his fingers. 

"And this gift has distressed you?" Spock said, stepping closer to Jim.

"As you know the Orcans are telepathic…they possess skills and abilities that no other species we’ve found has exhibited," Jim rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. 

"They offered to show me something, and not wanting to offend them, I let them."

"Did they harm you?" Spock’s eyes were wide with a panic he would never admit to experiencing.

"No…no," Jim pacified. "But they showed me things from Spock’s…Spock Prime’s… timeline."

Jim’s hands were now at his sides, grasping on to the edge of his bed. The fabric felt soft beneath his fingers, it's texture helped to ground him in the moment. He seriously debated letting Spock in on this information.

"It just…" 

Fuck. Why was this so hard? It wasn't too late to turn back, to drop this conversation, but he pressed forward.

"It was hard to see this life that wasn’t mine. Well, I mean, it was mine, but it’s not. And it's been bothering me this week, but don’t worry about it Spock, I’ll get over it."

The science officer came over to the edge of the bed and sat next to Jim. He wanted to ask a hundred questions, but the furthering the conversation was like walking on a spring lake, thinly concealed beneath melting ice. Spock could sense Jim's hesitancy and he didn't want to push him too far. He was after all, his friend, not his interrogator.

"Would you like to tell me what they showed you?" Spock offered.

He looked over at Jim and his warm brown eyes were just so fucking…gorgeous and curious and innocent in that moment. It made Jim’s heart churn.

"Well," he swallowed, "they showed me…"

He stopped. Sighed. Planted a hand on his face. He couldn't tell Spock.

Sensing his hesitation, Spock said “it’s all right captain, you do not need to tell me if you do not wish to.” He moved as if to get up, but Jim’s hand on his arm stopped him. So he stayed seated. Jim's hand moved of it's own accord, without asking his brain for permission. And now Spock's expectant gaze was boring holes into his.

Jim’s eyes were fixed on some distant point beyond his blue clothed chest. His ocean eyes were filled with longing, sadness, and hesitation. His lips were parted and his soul ached to just tell him, just tell Spock the truth.

His hand was still on Spock’s forearm, but gliding toward the back of his hand. It rested there, tingling on the Vulcan flesh.

"Do you really want to know?" Jim asked. "Because…it could change things." 

"Unless telling me would be harmful to our timeline, I do not see how telling me could be detrimental," Spock kept his voice even, despite the hot contact of their hands.

The only sound in the room was Jim’s breathing and the ventilation system, pouring cold air into the space. If you listened close enough, you could probably even hear Kirk’s heart thumping loudly within it's ribbed jail.

”They showed me a timeline where… things were different between us.” 

Damn, he was not doing well in the word department tonight. So he started again.

"They showed me a life where I had a good childhood and a father and… you," he whispered the last word.

"I am right here captain," Spock said, unsure of Jim’s meaning and not wanting to read too much into the sparse collection of words.

Jim just shook his head back and forth slowly, and then moved closer to Spock, tilting his head, eyeing the Vulcan’s lips. Spock was stone still, watching as Jim came closer still. "No Spock…I mean…I had you," he put more emphasis on the word "had." "We were…together." "Together how?" Spock asked tentatively. Despite the anxiety flooding Jim's system, he slid his fingers over Spock's in a sort of dance. First he flipped Spock's hand so that it was palm up, then he drew delicate invisible designs in the cool flesh. And then his fingers trailed up so that the sensitive pads of his fingers were touching Spock's. Spock's nerves were on fire. His body was shocked into submission as his mind reeled with what the implications of this meant. He scarcely even panicked as Jim brought his face closer to his. Kirk's bright blue eyes shimmered like topaz, they were drawing Spock in, completely mesmerizing. Jim tilted his head and came within an inch of touching his lips to Spock's. But he faltered, he stopped, dropping his head, but continuing to kiss Spock with his fingers until his hand pulled away. 

As soon as his senses returned, Spock brought his hand back to his lap and looked at Jim in shock. He quickly recovered his facial features, but his pupils were still blown black. 

He blinked multiple times, unsure of what to say or do. 

"Where did you learn to kiss the Vulcan way?" Spock asked, bewildered. But Jim didn’t answer the question directly. 

"They showed me a life that wasn’t mine," Jim continued, staring down into his own lap. "And it made me so angry, that it never could be mine," his voice faltered.

"I’m sorry Spock," he said, dropping his face into his hands. He was 99% certain that he had just ruined his relationship with his first officer.

He ran his hands over his face, and when it emerged, he turned it away from Spock.

"And this is what you desire?" Spock queried. "To be romantically involved with me?"

So slightly it could barely be seen, Jim was fidgeting with his own hands. 

"I know that you’re with Uhura," Jim said, facing away. There was a brokenness in his voice that made Spock’s ribcage hurt.

"I never should have kissed you."

"Do you regret your actions?"

"Yes," Jim lied.

Moisture gathered in the corners of his eyes, and the areas around the bright blue irises became red.

Spock’s lips were parted with words that wouldn’t come out. So Jim dissolved the silence.

"It was so real Spock. I know they were just showing me something in my mind…but it was so real. You and I. We were so real, so…complete, that when they snapped me back to reality, I wasn’t ready. It was too much. Without you, I feel lost."

"You have me captain," Spock answered.

Not in the way I want, Kirk thought to himself.

A very familiar buzz cut through the thick air between the pair of waiting lips.

"Captain Kirk," it was Scotty.

Jim got up, grateful that his back was to Spock as tears rolled down his cheek. Quickly he dashed it away and answered the call.

"You are needed in the engineering bay captain," Scotty said. "For an engineering emergency?" "No sir, for a disciplinary matter." "I’ll be right there," Jim said, "Kirk out."

He let his hand skim down the wall before it fell to his side.

"Spock, uh, I have to," he said over his shoulder, keeping his face to himself.

"It is okay captain, I will see myself out."

Jim nodded and then headed out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

God, what was he thinking telling Spock that stuff? What was he doing letting his emotions steamroll over him? He was a captain for crap's sake, he didn't have time to brood like a teenager over whispers of a life that wasn't his.

Kirk mentally scolded himself the entire way to engineering. A permanent scowl was plastered on his face, and it didn't dissolve once he reached Scotty.

"What's going on?" Jim asked.

He looked at the young man standing next to Scotty with his arms tied behind his back. 

"What the hell's going on?" he queried again, this time a bit more forceful.

"You wanna tell em or should aye?" Scotty asked the brown haired man next to him. The impromptu prisoner didn't say anything so Scotty answered for him.

"I caught this little sneak trying to steal dilithium crystals cap'n," he said matter-of-factly.

It was night shift so Spock had followed Jim to the scene while the nightshift manned the ship. The Vulcan appeared behind Jim, and stood with his arms resting behind his back. Even though Jim couldn't see him, he could feel Spock's presence. The Vulcan was his own burning blue sun, and Jim was in perpetual orbit.

"Looks like you're going to the brig," Jim said, stepping extremely close to the young man. He could feel the 20 something's hot breath hit his face as he asked, "would you like to explain yourself? Or say anything about this incident in the meantime?"

"Yeah," the kid said, "go to hell Captain Kirk, and take the Federation with you," he hissed, and then spat on Jim's goldenrod command shirt.

Jim was incredibly tempted to punch the redshirt square in the jaw.

Sensing Jim's bubbling anger, Spock stepped up and grasped Jenkins by the arm to take him to lock up.

As the vulcan and the human left the room, Jim turned to Scotty. "Did you see this coming?" Jim asked his friend.

"Absolutely not sir!," Scotty said emphatically. "I could hardly believe my eyes. Jenkins seemed like a stand up guy! I mean, he's not the chatty type, but I hardly pegged him for a thief."

"I'm worried that that's not all he is," Jim said, turning, rubbing his chin with his hand.

"What do ya mean?"

"Starfleet command has issued a warning to all vessels that certain threats were made against us, and we should take extra precautions. I've had security heightened, but apparently it's not enough."

"What threats were made against us sir?"

"It's the Valdans, they're perpetually unhappy with the Federation and have recently become allies with the Klingons. The Valdans claim that we destroyed two of their ships, but there seems to be little credibility to their claim - there's just no proof."

Kirk turned to face Scotty again. "Not to mention that our peace treaties with them have failed. They are on missions to claim planets for themselves, which is a direct violation of the United Federation of Planets. They're generally a hostile bunch, but…Jenkins is human…he may not even be affiliated with the Valdans."

"I don't know," Jim huffed, shaking his head and wrapping a hand around his tense neck. "I'm going to find out everything I can about this kid," he walked toward the door. "Write up a report about Jenkins, I want it to include every conversation and interaction that stands out in your mind."

And with that Jim was out the door and heading to the brig.

"What if this wasn't a lone gunman? What if more saboteurs were on board? Starfleet was beyond thorough when it came to accepting people for the academy and approving them for ship duty…where did this guy come from?

Kirk asked himself all of these things on the long trek to the detention center of the ship. The same detention center that hadn't seen a single visitor since Khan. 

As awful at it might sound, Kirk was almost relieved to have a distraction from the swirling torment of repetitive thoughts and images that haunted him since his return from Orcas IV.

Jim was nearly to his destination when a blaring alarm sounded overhead, red lights flashed ominously and an automated request for medical help traveled through the speakers.

He didn't walk, he ran to the detainment chamber. 

A hoard of security personnel were gathered around a door. "What's happening?" Jim asked as the redshirts parted for him. 

"Sir, Spock and Halls were in interrogation with Jenkins when Jenkins smashed a vial. A chemical contaminant was released. We hit the release so that the substance would be sucked out through the secondary vent system, but the door won't unlock until the room is clear of the gas."

Blood rushed to Jim's pulsing heart, he slammed his hands up against the door. "How long is it gonna take?"

As soon as the words left his lips a loud clank came from the door and the light panel signified that the room was decontaminated.

A gasp of freshly filtered air puffed out as soon as the door opened. Kirk scrambled inside, ran straight to Spock, and fell to his knees. 

The Vulcan was on the floor, lying face down. Jim carefully turned him over and scooped him into his arms. There wasn't much color in Spock's face. Jim brought a shaking hand up to Spock's neck to feel for a pulse. 

"Prisoner is dead sir," a redshirt said to Kirk. "And so is officer Halls."

A sigh of relief burst out of Kirk the moment he realized that Spock was still alive. A faint but palpable pulse could be felt beating beneath the cool skin of the Vulcan's neck. 

"Spock, can you hear me?" he asked the still head resting in the crook of his arm. "Spock, answer me! SPOCK!" Jim shook his science officer, but there was no reaction from Spock.

After a moment of watching Spock's angular unmoving features, Kirk brought his forehead down and rested it on Spock's jet black bangs. "I need you Spock," he whispered. Bringing his lips right next to the pointed ear he said, "I love you," so inaudibly that it seemed nothing more than a mumble to the security officers standing around. Nor could they see over Kirk's shoulder the kiss that he left on Spock's ear.

It only took a minute for Bones to get there, but it seemed like a lifetime.

"I got it Jim," his friend said, pulling him away from Spock. 

A handful of nurses knelt with Bones, hovering around Spock. One read the tricorder readings, another prepared a hypo, a third gave Spock air, and before he knew it, the gang of medical personnel were lifting Spock onto a bio bed and carting him out of the room.

"He's gonna be fine," he heard Bones shout as they left the detention facility. 

Jim desperately wanted to follow them, but he was standing in a room with a dead security officer and a dead prisoner. 

"What are you going to do sir?" one of the redshirts asked the captain as other crew members arrived to remove the deceased.

"Yet to be determined," Jim answered with as much steady resolve as he could muster - on the inside he was shaking like a leaf.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm terrible at finishing fics (you've probably noticed), but the more you bug me, the better the chance of me getting it done. So if you like it/want it to continue, let me know!


End file.
